the malecón photo by Isaac Holeman.
The other day I passed part of the afternoon walking alone along the malecón, the seawall pictured above. Built in 1901 by the U.S. during one of their occupations of Cuba, it covers most of Havana’s sea shore and is a hub of people watching and sea sprayed dallying for locals and tourists alike. On one particularly popular stretch I walked past a fairly attractive young woman wearing a modest tank top and long skirt. She was sitting with one hip and a hand on the broad seawall, and I happened to look over right as a gust of wind blew her skirt almost up to her waist. She saw my embarrassed smile and called me back, “hey amigo”.
She was friendly and more forthcoming than most Cuban women I’ve met, particularly after she discovered I’m from the US. Before long she asked me if I had a girlfriend (American women are always asked by Cuban men “do you have a boyfriend?” If yes, “do you have a Cuban boyfriend?” The question is slightly less common from women). No I said, and she smiled and said she was single too, so we could start dating if I liked. She knew I only had 3 weeks left in Cuba, but said we could pasar un buen tiempo (have a good time). I was more than a little stymied, fearing to respond in case I had misunderstood, though I was certain I hadn’t. It got worse when she said, as if to clarify, “quieres quedar conmigo?” The word quedar has various meanings, some of them specific to Cuba, so she might have been asking if I wanted to stop and sit on the seawall with her, if I wanted to start dating her, or if I wanted to sleep with her. After consulting Cuban friends, the last interpretation wouldn’t have been literally accurate but possible as an innuendo, and the second was the most likely, but I had no idea at the time. She then told me about a nice bed and breakfast (casa particular) by the national hotel that would rent a room for $20, did I have 20 dollars? she asked. This is significantly more money than non-famous Cubans my age have for leisure spending in a month, or even a year. As I drifted away, feeling rather odd, I tried to stammer something about not knowing her very well – it almost came out in English.
Here’s a list of my general perceptions about the conversation, including the nonverbal cues.
- She was interested in having sex with me, pronto.
- This would have been part of engaging in a relationship, not just a one night stand (one afternoon, in this case).
- My nationality and her associated expectation of my relative wealthiness played a significant role in her interest.
- If I had pursued this relationship, she would have expected me to spend money, take her places, and buy her things that were not otherwise available to her.
- If I had agreed to the relationship but later refused to spend money on her, she would very likely have ended the relationship, but wouldn’t have argued that I had incurred a debt that needed to be paid.
- She did not consider the proposal a transaction or a purchase.
Again, this is the way it looked from my perspective, they are not indisputable truths about the situation. I am quite confident that she was not a jinetera (prostitute), but I definitely got a bad vibe that felt more sinister than promiscuous and forward behavior alone. This experience left me with more questions than answers. Here are some of the questions.
- If there were a spectrum of behavior with transactional sex on one end and free love on the other, where the heck would this encounter register?
- Could I have ethically pursued a romantic relationship with her (not necesarily including sex), knowing that she was probably as interested in my economic status as in me?
- In this specific instance, would it have felt empowering to her that she could use her attractiveness to satisfy her physical desires AND have material benefits, or would she have felt that this use of her body was an unfortunate only option? Basically, was she going against her morals?
- Was my impulse to get away from her rooted in an unfair gender bias – an expectation that Cuban women should act more prudently than Cuban men?
- Did my response to this situation result from an unfair bias regarding her nationality and my assumptions about her economic status?
The second to last question needs more explanation. Young Cuban men are constantly intimating to my female American friends that they would like to have a sex with them. This can be frustrating but it’s “normal” here. My female friends are really put off by this dynamic (I would be too), but it doesn’t cause them to reject every person outright; if they did they wouldn’t have any friends. They just deal with it and remember that they need to be careful about initiating relationships on their own terms.
If this woman had been a man and I a woman, her actions would have been relatively very forward, but not to the extent that they would merit immediately viewing her as much less appealing than any other random stranger. While she definitely did say some things that made it clear she was in the market for a sugar daddy, it’s hard for me to dissect how her nonconformity with the typical gender role might have cauesed me to (in the spur of the moment) focus on the financially motivated comments (creepy) more than any genuine interest in casual sex (not my thing, but not as repulsive as sex for money). It’s probably pertinent that she must have been more aware of Cuba’s gender biases than I, and her words were probably intended to honestly convey all of the things she was interested in. Nonetheless, I don’t like the idea of applying this gender bias when I make decisions. This is one of the dilemmas of being in an environment where I feel like the only norms I can use to interpret the social significance of various interactions are those of a culture that I can’t participate in fully enough to challenge.
As for the last question. There are a lot of gold diggers in the states too. I’m definitely not a fan of them, but I tend to think of it as shallow rather than borderline transactional sex. I don’t think this girl was looking to me to help her meet basic material necessities. At the same time, if she is like most Cubans she probably has almost zero material pleasures beyond those necessities, and very little chance of improving her situation through her own labor (there just aren’t economic opportunities in Cuba). While intertwining sex and material gain may not exactly be driven by desperation in this case, it likewise doesn’t seem quite the same as a person in the US who has access to economic opportunities and is choosing not to pursue them because it’s easier to seduce a rich person.
Overall, it was a pretty strange experience, one that I wouldn’t have been capable of understanding (linguistically or culturally) a few months ago. It’s nice to feel that my Spanish and understanding of Cuban society have improved that much, but at the same time I feel like gaining some insight has left me with more unanswered questions than I had before. Please post a comment if you have ideas about any of my questions.
Important note: Although I have read that sex tourism is often less formal in Cuba than in other places, I have not thoroughly researched the topic. This post is meant to describe some individual responses to economic and social differences. Please do not think I am claiming that everyone who comes from or visits Cuba responds the same way.
My apologies for adding another questions to the mix, but did you exchange names? If yes, were you tempted to say a name other than your own? And, if yes, did you assume she had given you her true name?
No apology necessary, I’m more than happy to respond. My name was the very first thing she asked for; I gave it to her without hesitation and don’t regret it. After that I asked for her name and she told me – just like any other two people who just met. I would be very, very surprised if I found out that she hadn’t used her real name.
cheers
Interesting People they are..here is my story in a nutshell.
I went to visit Cuba (Veradero) with my mom a few weeks ago. nothing could prepare me for the Cuban men. (laugh) Not neccessarily lewd, but if they find you attractive (both my mother and I are) they will let you know. I finally broke down and had an encounter with a Cuban man, 10 years older than I, not the msot attractive but a wonderful guy with a huge heart. Wanted me to meet his mother etc. I politely declined being in a strange country and not knowing him well. So we had out affair at my hotel.
He made me feel like gold, going on and on about my soft skin, light blue eyes and so on. It was nice to be appreciated like that.. almost nothing like what I had experienced before, In Canada. It was intoxicating.
We exchanged addresses and said our goodbyes….
I have since learned about Jineteros..and this guy sadly fits the bill on a few levels. It has dampened my “magical” experience a little and made me feel (like you had mentioned) a tad “strange”.
I will never forget my time in Cuba and the time I spent with him. Although what his intentions truely were, i will never know. maybe I do not want to.
Cheers from canada
;)
Ana,
It sounds like your story is another example of how interesting, difficult, and influential it often is to try to understand a culture that is different than your own, especially during a relatively short immersion. Thank you for your comment.
you’re welcome for the comment. You hit the nail on the head.
Im keeping it friendly with him via email (when he can) and have given up on attempting to call/mail. not asn easy task since i know little spanish. I felt pretty safe in cuba, if I go back Id love to see him again.
But what the hell do I know about him? I love to give people the benefit of the doubt but these peole grew up under an entirely different world than i did.
Hopefully I didnt expolit him in any way -again I know little about these things double standards etc) I sure as HELL hope I am not a sex tourism lol. All I know Is an average looking, charasmatic decade older Cuban male relentless persued me with daily flowers and poetry, then gave me the best sex of my life 3 nights in a row. Hopefully he dosnt feel exploited in anyway… I don think he does… lol
In retrospect I should have ,et his family like he aked, but isnt that a jinetero type move? thats awhole other show. too much to learn yet the allure is still there.
This is just a females POV on the whole havana nihts experience,
Ill warn other females who like latin guys and are heading to cuba, use your discretion. Have a blast.
Cuba captured my heart. Problems and all. Im so going back. Come alone! lol
I apologize for any errors in my last entry, Its one of those sleepless nights where grammar and spelling dont agree with me (Although I did try to edit, no dice)
wow, thanks ana for opening up (tho i’m a year late hehe)
i’m a canadian, with ecuadorian roots. i went to varadero with 2 girlfriends. i was determined not to meet a cuban guy who would only want to marry me and come to canada and then disappear. Well our first night out we met 4 cuban guys, and 2 of them went on and on about how they liked us. but their game was TOO obvious! for one guy i was ‘the most beautiful woman’ he’d say ‘kiss me’ ‘keep in touch’ etc… well i wasn’t too attracted to him, but his touch was gentle and sweet. all we did was dance. The next day i encountered two tourists from Russia who were at the resort. on two occassions they tried to trick me into having sex with the both of them (IN ONE DAY!) however, in between my unfortunate arguments with them i had met a young cuban guy and his coworker. then i went out with just him to the same street party where we met the 4 cubans the nite before. anyway, this young guy and i (7 yr diff-but we look the same age) hit it off… mainly b/c i paid attention to his telling of his life-story and he heard mine. we didn’t ask each other for anything nor did he give me a sad story, he just told me of his dreams and how he planned to accomplish them. I suddenly felt compelled to help. but i couldn’t and i probably wouldn’t except for giving him some clothes for his sister. he said “you can offer me whatever you like, but please, don’t feel obliged to. in fact, don’t give me anything” and we went on 4 other dates. he became my sweetheart, the guy i thought about when i met new tourists and new cuban men. the guy who i forgot could possibly want a way out of the country -b/c he paid for everything all the time, and gave me a souvenir from his own souvenir stand. he did invite me to his house for an afternoon of video game playing and uploading our pics from my camera. i even stood him up for a home-cooked dinner at his home, and if i had gone, i knew that i wouldn’t want to see him again. i knew that he’d expect/want the sex-but later i told him i wasn’t in varadero for sex like other tourists do. with that he told me i was special, he kissed my hand, and we continued dancing our last nite there. Finally our last day he had off from work, he spent 4 short hours with me, and i said goodbye to his coworkers, and his lady boss who told me he is a very special person, that its up to me to stay in touch. he thanked me for spending time with him, and creating memories and experiences he hadn’t lived before. i thanked him for the same, and for being a sweetheart. i left him my ‘half-broken camera that only functioned in his hands’… i hope to tell him one day that i never intended to treat him like a ‘jinetero’. for his human self and soul i say i love him. but its hard to keep that up when the phone calls and emails are near impossible and quite expensive. now, the reality is that there are new batches of tourists everyday that he can meet and then he’ll know how to be the apple of their eye…if he wanted to. i on the other hand returned to my daily routine :(
i wish i did this kind of research Before Cuba…. instead of after cuba. but if i had i probably wouldn’t have ‘fallen in love’ the same way, and would have returned into the wrong arms here in canada. my overall tip is: don’t get involved with a cuban you met on a night out. know that any invitation to visit their home or city doesn’t have to require sex-so just don’t go, but you can tip them for giving you a tour ie of varadero town. Cubans are human too, and most of them really just want to meet a new tourist friend with whom some great conversation, a good beer, dancing and laughter can be shared. even life experiences. but don’t ask them for their opinion on the country and politics. genuine people are hard to miss, they are the ones that remind you that you are a visitor on their turf–they were the best to talk to. :) good luck to those headed to cuba…expect to be intoxicated :P
Hello isaac,
really enjoyed reading this experience of urs with this lady…i’ve never been to cuba as u know, but i’d like to say a few things, my unvalidated opinion about what u described…
i just have indirect sources of information (friends that have been there), and i’ll just wanna answer ur first question..i think it was more to the side of free love….and if u think of it as a fair “transition”, ur suppose to give more to the relation (one-night, one-time sex, or a longer one) cause u do have more resources…it could happen the same in ur contry, or mine. If u date, or pass time with someone wealthier, she can take u to places u were not able to go by urself, with ur resources…and that doesn’t mean you only like her because of the money….but of course it can help! And with cubans i think it does help, but i fairly think they can genuinely be atracted by u, and i dont see un unethical behavior of them to want it, or for u to accept that (answering the second one i guess).I think they openly show what they want, and they just wanna enjoy that time with u…sex and materially (both or not).. if u go on vacations to cuba, as these two experiences described, u know it will be a limited thing… It can get deeper, of course, but in a first view u just wanna spend a good time, making unconsequente love if u opt for it, and remember that later.
I’ve enjoyed reading ur blog. A big kiss for u, joaninha